Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where friends could ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Permanently."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb Trump Tower Damascus report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down service."

Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."